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Post Your Facepalm-Worthy Jokes Here!

Inlaa

Priestess
Jan 11, 2012
426
134
215
27
Texas
#1
See the title.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Cluck if I know.

Q: Which came first: The chicken or the egg?
A: You have eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner, so...
 

Cold_Ankles

Gargoyle
WFTO Backer
Dec 10, 2011
372
115
315
26
South Australia
#2
There is an inflatable boy who has inflatable parents and goes to an inflatable school in an inflatable world. One day he takes a pin to school. The teacher says: "You've let me down, you've let your friends down, you've let your parents down, you've let the whole school down."
 

mike

Blood Imp
WFTO Backer
Mar 11, 2012
9
5
5
30
#3
Merged posts: Please avoid double posting, edit existing posts in future, thank you.
Q:--What dya call a fly with no wings?


A:--A walk

evil, malice, death, decay.. wait what was the rest?

trinbw :)

Mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender yells at him " HEY, WE DONT SERVE YOUR KIND HERE!"
the mushroom retorts, " Why? I'm a really Fun Guy"

Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar. The bar goes quiet.
The piece of black tarmac starts shouting "Im the hardest! i can beat up any ONE of you!"
"come on who wants to try ey?"
the bar stays quiet..
just then a piece of red tarmac comes in shouting the same thing.
"I'm the hardest! I can beat up ANY OF YOU!".
The black tarmac stays quiet.
The bartender leans over to the black tarmac and says "why didnt you say anything when he said that? i thought you where the strongest?"
The black tarmac replies. "I'm not messing with that dude, he's a cycle path!"

a dyslexic walks into a bra... oops

Whats brown and sticky?

a stick

Whats black white and red all over?
1:sunburnt penguin
2:newspaper..
3: embarresed zebra
 

Inlaa

Priestess
Jan 11, 2012
426
134
215
27
Texas
#4
An elf, a human, and a dwarf walk into a bar. They each order the same drink and each drink comes back with a dead fly floating in it.

The elf sees the fly in his drink first. He scowls, stands up, throws his nose into the air, and marches on out.

The human sees his fly next. He just shrugs and drinks his booze anyway.

But the dwarf...

The dwarf sees the fly in his mug and his eyes go red. His nostrils flare, his cheeks puff, his teeth grind, his forehead visibly throbs. With a snarl, he reaches forward, eyes ready to burst out of their sockets, picks the fly out of his drink... and squeezes it over the mug.

"Spit it out!" he roars at the fly. "SPIT IT OUT!"


*****


Two rocks were having a discussion with each other about another stone. The first rock was complaining about the stone: How he was always late for their games, how he wasn't as down-to-earth as he should be, and other such things.

After listening to the first rock for some time, the second rock finally said, "Look, you really shouldn't take your friends for granite."
 

chaoseater

Gargoyle
WFTO Backer
Feb 29, 2012
324
63
300
28
Milton keynes UK
#5
There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
 
Likes: Amon
Dec 19, 2011
405
45
235
31
Auckland/New Zealand
#9
Q: Whats black, white and red all over and eats bricks ?
A: A black, white and red all over brick eater

Q: Whats the last thing that entered the flys mind as it hit the cars windscreen ?
A: Its butt

Q: How can you tell when a moth farts ?
A: It flies straight for a few second

Q: Whats red and green and goes 120 kilometres per hour ?
A: A frog in a blender

Q: Why did the elephant sit on the orange ?
A: He was trying to play squash

Q: How do you get a rhino into a matchbox ?
A: You take the matches out

Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ?
A: You take the rhino out



One day this duck walks into a bar, he waddles up to the bar tender and asks "have you got any grapes?" the bar tender surprised to see a duck talking to him says "no we dont have any grapes"
.. The duck comes back a couple of days later and says to that same bar tender "have you got any grapes? .. The bar tender replies "we dont sell grapes here, go to the super market across the road, they sell grapes".. Off the duck waddles but returns a few days later to the bar tender and asks again "have you got any grapes?", the bar tender angry with the duck replies "WE DONT SELL GRAPES HERE! GO ACROSS THE ROAD!" The duck frightend waddles off quickly out of the bar..
The duck waits a week and returns again "have you got any grapes?" the bar tender red with anger says "NO WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL, WE NEVER HAVE SOLD THEM AND NEVER WILL! IF YOU COME BACK HERE AND ASK FOR GRAPES ONE MORE TIME ILL NAIL YOUR BILL TO THIS TABLE HERE!" ... The duck hurries out of the bar..
The duck a few weeks later waddles in and up to the bar tender, the bar tender apologises for yelling at the duck last time and asks "how might I be able to help you?", the duck then asks "have you got any nails?" The bar tender confused and not expecting this question replies "no I dont have any nails?!" the duck then quickly replies "have you got any grapes?"



A man walks into a monastery one day and he hears this peculiar music coming through the wall, he goes to one of the monks praying at the alter and asks him "what is that music its absolutely amazing, please tell me where its coming from, we could make millions?!" .. The monk replies "I can not speak to you about this sacred music unless you are a member of our society" the man replies "very well I must know the secret to this music, I cant get it out of my mind, how do I become a member of your society monk?" the monk replied "this is not something you can do by tomorrow it takes dedication and years" the man says "very well I will do anything, tell me what to do and ill begin immediately" the monk nods and replies "very well, I require you to travel all over the world and count all the crosses in the world" the man says "is that all? Very well it will be done" ...
Years later the man returns, the music is still playing silently somewhere in the distance of the monastery, excited he says "brother I have done it, there are 98468916 crosses around the world" the monk counts for a moment and replies "this is close enough, welcome to our society". The man asks "about the music brother I really must know the secret to it" "very well follow me" the monk says as he walks up to a statue and pulls a secret lever, a loud grinding is heard and suddenly the wall opens up to reveal a dark and long hallway stretching for what looks like forever, immediately the music begins to play louder! The monk says "follow that hallway and you will discover the secret of the music". The man sets off up some stairs and down the hallway, for hours he walks down the hallway, nothing but the flickering of the torches on the walls of the hallway lighting his way, the further he walks the louder the music gets and the more excited he becomes. The man slowly begins to walk faster and faster until eventually he is sprinting for the end of this endless hall. The music now booming in his ears he looks up and notices a faint glow and a chest on the ground. He slowly inspects the chest and discovers the music is coming from inside it. Slowly he begins to pry open the lid of the chest, the hallway bursts into a yellow/golden glow, he shields his eyes from the light, the music is now nearly deafening. Slowly he pears into the chest and guess what he sees ? Well im sorry I cant tell you because your not a member of the monastery and his society.
 
Likes: Amon

Fireeye

Augre
WFTO Backer
Dec 30, 2012
1,155
687
515
Ze Germany
#12
The German Max Plank Institute has developed a robotic machine that automatically detects whether a speaking person is lying or not. If the person is lying, a mechanical arm springs out from the machine to slap said person in the face. We now enter the home of the Meyer family, which has been chosen for product testment. Mr Meyer, Mrs Meyer and Meyer junior are sitting around the dinner table.

Meyer Junior: Daddy, Daddy, I got a real good grade in the class test! *SLAP* Uhh....uh..b-but I re-really DID learn hard for i- *SLAP*
Mr Meyer (highly indignant): This is outrageous! I work all day to - *SLAP* Uh, well...one way or another, would never have lied like this when I was your age - *SLAP*
Mrs Meyer (warmy smiling): Oh well, Peter, that's your son........*SLAP*
 

Blizzard

Necromancer
WFTO Backer
Dec 3, 2011
530
198
410
34
Behind you
#13
As you may have noticed on the kickstarter trailer
they have a nuclear technician on the team
ever wondered what he does on the team ?
easy the Particle physics
 

Badwolf699

Juggernaut
WFTO Founder
Dec 18, 2011
2,370
633
520
28
#14
Q: Why did the man wake up?
A: Because he had a bad dream.

Q: What's striped back and white?
A: A Zebra crossing

Q: Why did the man go to work?
A: Because he had to survive in the recession!
 

James Hale

Templar
WFTO Backer
Jan 12, 2013
171
33
230
31
Purgatory
steamcommunity.com
#15
There is an inflatable boy who has inflatable parents and goes to an inflatable school in an inflatable world. One day he takes a pin to school. The teacher says: "You've let me down, you've let your friends down, you've let your parents down, you've let the whole school down."
I actually laughed at that. Very good. :)

Anyone heard Mau Mau?
 
Likes: Cold_Ankles

Alistair

Captain Graze Box
WFTO Founder
Dec 11, 2011
2,423
895
615
UK
#16
Quick reminder - Please read the Forum Rules mainly II:7 - Topics off limits: Racism, discrimination.

Some people may find it offensive so lets keep the dark humor off the forum please.
 

Badwolf699

Juggernaut
WFTO Founder
Dec 18, 2011
2,370
633
520
28
#18
Man: I'm on a See Food Diet!
Man2: What does that involve?
Man: I see food and I EAT IT NOMNOMNOOMNOMOMNOMNOMNOM!!
 
Likes: Amon
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